By Khalif McClendon

“You want to have an environment where you’re not tolerated but you’re accepted.”

Hector Rivera

For my Oral History Article Draft, I would like to introduce two people I have interviewed for the stories of Newark Oral History Project. The people I’ve interviewed are two TRIO SSS Academic Coaches. The first Coach’s name is Paul LaTorre, and he is also a creative writing professor at Bloomfield College of Montclair State University. The other Coach’s name is Hector Rivera and he is a substitute teacher. I interviewed them because I felt more comfortable  talking to them since they have a lot of experience and similarities of where we come from. There are three themes I discussed with Hector and Paul and they each expanded upon the themes. The three themes were “acceptance vs tolerance”, “comparison to peers and family”, and “self-advocacy”. Below is my expansion on each.

Theme 1: Tolerance vs. acceptance

During my interview with Hector, he talks about being accepted rather than being tolerated. What this means is that being accepted makes you feel like you belong in a group or organization versus being tolerated, which means you’re being put up with but you’re not really wanted there. Hector  explained:

You want to have an environment where you’re not tolerated but you’re accepted. And there’s a difference between being tolerated, the difference with false sincerity, and then they know behind [your] back they’re saying horrible things about you. Because eventually it will come to light. And that’s the reason why you want to be in an environment that accepts you for who you are and doesn’t just pretend to tolerate you.

According to the article, “The Role of Acceptance in the Transition to Adulthood,” the Autism Awareness and the Autism Acceptance movements further enforce the environmental influence on the person with autism. The former contends that individuals without autism should promote autism awareness and assure that all affected by autism are able to achieve the highest quality of life possible. However, people with autism indicated that being “aware” is “insufficient”. Rather, acceptance is necessary for the person with autism to be seen as valued, contributing citizens. Thus, awareness refers to bringing about gaining knowledge and public consciousness of the differences and challenges associated with autism, whereas acceptance refers to bringing about societal change through commitment and actions that are necessary to remove current barriers that prevent neurological diversity from being valued. The difference between awareness and acceptance is indicated by how each movement uses language. The disability field uses the person-first language (i.e., individuals with autism) as an expression of individuality, equity, and dignity of the personhood of individuals with disabilities.

From my experience, you will see who is truly your friend and who is just around because you have access to certain things and when you no longer have that access, are they still going to stick around? I have people who were only around because I had a car but when the shoe was on the other foot and I didn’t have a car or needed a favor, they came up with excuses and couldn’t come through, even though some had understandable and valid reasons. Some were truly there, while others were there but only after we had an argument because they truly didn’t want to, and despite all I did for them,  some still backed away. In my experience, whether disabled or not–if you are too nice, naive, or gullible you are an easy target to take advantage of, especially when you don’t set any boundaries. Once you set that boundary, some people will not like it because they are used to being the one in control, having more power and will back off and put the blame on you which is called gaslighting and manipulation. Some will respect your boundary. I had some truly genuine friends and those friends are still my friends to this day, even when we don’t talk on a regular basis and some friends I kept my distance from because I know what type of person they really are and they’re only around when they want something. As an individual on the spectrum, I’ve felt far more people will tolerate or be around you only when they need something, and when you’re not around they talk about you behind your back. Being accepted, for me, means that they don’t mind being around, inviting you to things, and doing favors for you because they know you’d do the same for them.

Theme 2: Comparison to peers and family

Another of the themes I talked about with Paul is being compared. As a teenager, I was often compared to my younger cousins as far as  accomplishments such as getting a driver’s license. My former employer was UPS, and at that job I was often compared to other employees due to the speed of my labor. To this day, I am dealing with people who are impatient and compare me to older folks such as their grandparents, and they talk negatively about my driving, how I get sent somewhere and take a long time to come back versus someone else. In our interview, Paul had an experience that was similar which he stated: 

[M]y partner, she’s always pressuring me about my driving, and then the one day that I did actually speed because I was trying to get her home on time during a break, I get pulled over, and I’m like, you see, you see, this is why I drive like an old man, um, but yeah, and I think, also, I’ve struggled historically enough with getting my own brain to slow down because my thoughts and brain tend to move faster than my mouth.

People should feel like they’re empowered by moving at their own pace instead of trying to go by other people’s standards of how they want them to move. As long as you move the way other people want you to and give in to their desires, you will make yourself miserable, feeling you’re not good enough, affecting your mental health, driving yourself crazy, draining yourself, stressing yourself which will cause health problems in the long run. Also, the idea of a “right speed” or “not fast enough” brings up comparisons between ‘typically developing’ and those who are neurodivergent or disabled. 

According to the article “Exploring Autistic College Students Perceptions and Management of Peer Stigma”, most college students surveyed  report positive attitudes towards students with disabilities on their campus, but less positive attitudes when it comes to being classmates with disabled students who may struggle with social skills. In fact, faculty and students had reported believing that students with autism require additional attention and support in college courses. In a study focused on college-level communication courses, many of the respondents reported believing that students on the autism spectrum should not have to engage in public speaking because they would be stigmatized by their peers. Although autistic students have reported less bullying in college than in secondary education, many still face stigma and marginalization on campus. When individuals agree with public stigma and its applicability to themselves, they will engage in stigma management strategies centered on accepting that stigma status quo, such as disclosure, apologizing, bonding with other stigmatized individuals, buffering, and isolating. Unfortunately, acceptance can also include feelings of shame and victimization. 

In my experience, I think people should move at their own pace and live life on their own terms because coming from different experiences, you cannot satisfy everyone and if you try to, you will only make yourself stressed in the long run. Trying to live up to everyone’s expectations will affect your mental health and eventually affect your physical health and it’s impossible to make everyone happy and stay sane. Also, the idea that there’s only one standard way to learn or communicate is one based on ableism.

Theme 3: Self-advocacy for those with ASD

“Go see a therapist. Go see a neurologist, go see a psychologist, anywhere where you can gain a greater understanding of yourself, your mind, your, your thought process, right?”

Paul LaTorre

While during my second interview, Paul suggested that those with ASD “seek professional help, give yourself grace, honor yourself, have a better understanding of yourself so you can improve yourself.” He also suggested having documents and accommodation, especially for education. The suggestions he came up with are the type of suggestion in seeking professional help such as, “Go see a therapist. Go see a neurologist, go see a psychologist, anywhere where you can gain a greater understanding of yourself, your mind, your, your thought process, right?” What Paul is basically saying is come to terms with your disability, changing the way you think on your terms with your disability. After coming to terms with your disability, Paul introduces what he says next which is for example: “When, when you learn the means of self advocacy, and you can understand that, right, where, where that’s coming from, um, The means of improvement become just existing under fair treatment and equity, right?” When he explains this, he implies that we give ourselves grace, honor ourselves, and our mental health. 

According to the article, “Exploring Autistic College Students Perceptions and Management of Peer Stigma”, their final stigma management strategy has the potential to be transformative. There are individuals who can challenge the existence of public stigma and advocate for themselves and others within the stigmatized group. These strategies can help individuals manage stigma in both adaptive and maladaptive ways, leading to effects on self-esteem, achievement, and well-being. Research has shown that “owning” a diagnosis, self-advocacy, a supportive network on campus, and feeling accepted by friends are associated with a successful experience in higher education. Ideally, autistic college students would be able to better manage stigma through self-advocacy with the support of the neurodiversity movement that also worked to build more inclusive campus communities. 

In my understanding, self advocacy means that students with disabilities have a right to live a life on their own terms and have accomplishments and live just like a normal person would. They have a right to accommodations after they have gotten the help and support they need from professionals such as therapists, neurologists, and psychologists to have a better understanding of themselves such as personal growth, a different mindset, and better social skills and a better outlook on life. Given ideal accommodations and understanding around their diagnosis, people with disabilities should be looked at and treated just like a normal person would be treated. As far as having better social skills, students with disabilities would be able to make friends, attend events, make better memories, get the help they need for their classes such as extensions on assignments, more timing on exams, help if they do not understand certain assignments in a class. Students would have the mindset of positivity in their purpose of achieving their goal of getting better grades, graduating on time, and pursuing a career. 

In conclusion, some people are born with or acquire different types of disabilities such as physical, communicative, or mental / cognitive. There is a difference between being labeled and having an actual disability but in all perspectives, whether we have a disability or not, we all learn differently. So what makes a person with a disability any different than a normal person is the label and the way that society treats them because of stigmas connected to it.

Works Cited

Latorre, Paul. Interview. Conducted by Khalif McClendon, 27 February 2024.

Lee, Gloria K. et al. “The Role of Acceptance in the Transition to Adulthood: A Multi-Informant Comparison of Practitioners, Families, and Youth with Autism.” Journal of Autism & Development Disorders, vol. 52, no. 4, April 2022, pp. 1444-1457. PubMed, https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/33942187/.

Rivera, Hector. Interview. Conducted by Khalif McClendon, 21 February 2024.

Underhill, Jill C. et al. “Exploring Autistic College Students’ Perceptions and Management of Peer Stigma: An Interpretative Phenomenological Analysis.” Journal of Autism & Development Disorders, vol. 54, no. 3, Mar. 2024, pp. 1130-1142. PubMed, https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/36547792/.